Conversation

Conversation

I know that this is technically January 1st’s writing prompt. Sometimes I miss out on the words I want to use the most.

 

I’m not the most open emotionally, or even in communication in general. I have always found that if I ignore what ever it is, I will just be stronger, even if I hold so much in I end up breaking down eventually.

Last night was Day 2 of mine and Adam’s Keto diet. I had my doctors appt yesterday morning and was basically just affirmed that I’m 326lb’s and other than that, my doctor just wanted me to get my blood tested again for TSH levels… I didn’t have it in me to tell her I stopped taking them and was feeling better… I guess we’ll see what my blood work shows…

So, I’m sitting here… Drinking my tea with nothing in it… And, before I have to log in for work… I wanted to kind of talk about how I opened up about some things with Adam.

So, like I said it’s our second day on this diet… But I brought it up before Christmas… Adam really didn’t want to do it. I discussed how it would be hard for me to follow it since he cooks 90% of the meals we eat… But that if he really didn’t want to do it, I would try this on my own…
After a couple of day’s he came around and said he was going to try it with me. So, we decided to start January 1st. And we did….
I was starting to get really disheartened about the whole thing, because it seemed like any time the subject of food came around, Adam was “venting” about how he’d rather be having all the sugary delights that I’d like to have, as well…

Before I continue with that story, I want to tell you just how easy it’s been for both of us to give up Carbs and eat differently…. But, that doesn’t stop us from wanting them… I don’t know if necessarily I would call them cravings… It’s just the things we are eating are missing a key component… Carbs and Sugars… Like my tea… With nothing in it but the tea…

Anyways, back to the story line… So, last night we had Chicken Taco Stuffed Peppers. They were amazing… But while the process of making them was going on, Adam and I became frustrated… He was talking about all he ate through out the day and how there were no carbs at all… And, I got jealous, because at this point in the day I was already over 20carbs… So, I looked up all that he ate and told him he in fact did eat carbs yesterday…
And then came the point in the meal where I was starting to feel the need to binge eat… Not that I was still hungry, but I didn’t quite feel full… So every fiber of my being wanted to go get more and eat until I felt full (which for me is a powerful stomach pain that ultimately may make me throw up).
I tried to bring it up to Adam and he didn’t get it at first. So we both kind of snapped at each other… It wasn’t until we were getting ready to go to bed that we finally sat down and talked about what had happened…

I opened up about how hard it was for me to eat… I mean, he had a general idea… But, I guess he just didn’t know how bad it was for me… How I would starve myself all day until Dinner… Spend most of my day feeling sick and then end the day feeling even worse because I over ate (binged)… I told him how I was becoming extremely disheartened in the whole “diet” adventure we were taking listening to him talk about how he’d rather be eating something else, or how he would talk about only wanting to do this for a certain number of months and then start adding carbs back in…
I’m pretty sure we both ended up crying last night…

I don’t want to just do this as a diet… I want to change our life styles… Sure, I have an end goal in mind… And I know it’s going to take a while for me to get to that end goal…
(In case you’re wondering, my ultimate end goal would be 190lbs)
I haven’t bothered setting an end date for this goal, because I don’t want to get to that date and realize I haven’t achieved it… I know me… And I know if that day came and I hadn’t gotten to my goal I would lose my mind… My thought process would be somewhere along the lines of “how could I have worked this hard and not gotten to where I want”, “this isn’t fair”, “I give up” and just eventually start binge eating fast food until I throw up again…

 

I really want this to be a positive experience… And, I get it… It’s hard… Dieting is hard… Changing drastically is hard… It’s a miserable experience until it’s finally not miserable anymore and then you wonder why you ever thought you weren’t going to make it…

I want to get to a point where I can stand looking at myself in the mirror… I want to get to a point where I feel comfortable in my clothes… In fact, I want to get to a point where I just feel comfortable… Where I’m not in pain all the time…
This is mentally taxing… It’s hard to think of the future when all I can see is right now… And right now, I don’t like… I don’t want to be in right now… I want to fast forward to the end where I reached my goals, I’m healthy, I can enjoy life again…

But, I can’t keep thinking like that… I have to try and do this one day at a time… Not wish for something I know is going to take time and be hard…

 

If life was easy, no one would be successful… Anyone could do anything… When you work on hard stuff, it makes it that much easier though… And this is just one of those events where we have to really push our mentality… We have to push ourselves…

It might take some time to get to a point where we’re not “God, I’d love a soda right now”… Or “this would taste so much better with…. (name anything that has massive carbs or sugar in it)…”

But, I know we can do it. I have more faith in US as a couple doing this today then I do in myself… I just can’t stand seeing Adam miserable… I’m trying to be the one that doesn’t complain and let’s him know he’s doing a great job… Because he really is… He has it worse than I do… He works in the food industry… He is surrounded by fried foods, carbs and sugars… He’s got more willpower than I do if he can pass up on french fries and pizza when it’s in front of him every day…

 

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