2017 in Review:

Almost

Being that tomorrow is NYE and I have been pretty much stuck in my house all week… I think today would be a good day to finally sit down to my blog and write some things. I’ve been slacking, but then again, I never promised to get a blog up all on any set schedule.

I don’t know if this will be my only post today, or this weekend… But, for now I just want to write.

The last few years before 2017 were a shit show for me. Going through a terrible divorce and custody battle, going to jail during the course of that custody hearing, trying to move on with my life and constantly being reminded of my faults, mistakes and downfalls…

I think it’s safe for me to compare the entirety of 2017 (from beginning to end)to those last few moments of drowning before being saved… You know, where you’re just about to give up and let all the air out of your body to sink to the bottom and then some shitty, self-named hero of a life guard jumps into the cold waters to drag you out kicking, screaming and gulping as much water in as you can. Then, when you get the first Gods-given gasp of a breath of air, your brain starts to frantically berate you for even giving in to the darkness, telling you to “look how far you’ve come”.. The more air you get, the clearer things start becoming and you are thankful for breathing that air and you begin to realize you need to change your life… I don’t mean change your life by not going swimming or taking risks… I mean, following through on those plans for yourself you had been “talking the talk” on for years but never “walking the walk”… Once you’re all dried off and everyone is now mooning over that life guard, you walk away and feel different… Almost as if drowning was purely a means of baptism in to an entirely new thought process and way of living..

Now that the motivational and life-inspiring comparison is out of the way… We can move.. Shall we??

So, 2017 for me has been a year of acceptance, growing and forgiving.

When I started this year, I was sick… I was scared I wasn’t going to get better and had no idea what was wrong with me… My doctor threw a bunch of tests at me and no one really could tell me what was wrong… Then I was diagnosed with “Acquired Hypothyroidism” a “Non-Alcoholic Fatty Liver” and told I needed to lose weight… The most frustrating thing in the world, to me, is being told to lose weight… When I’ve spent 3 or more years going to Dr’s about my weight fluctuation’s and concerns and them telling me it “is normal” and “don’t worry about it”.

After losing my insurance in April, I think I finally got to find out who I was. I really had to learn about myself… I had spent half of my life on psychiatric medications for one thing or another… I really don’t know who I would be without them… I can’t entirely say that my psychiatrists were entirely wrong in their diagnosis’… But, maybe they were… Considering the way I grew up, the shit I had gone through, how was I not supposed to be mentally fucked up… I grew up hiding my feelings… Ignoring them to the point that I was ashamed to feel anything… I grew up angry and hateful… I don’t know when I realized I couldn’t be like that anymore… But, I can tell you how exhausting it was…
So, this year has been me trying to find myself, in a sense… I was so worried that my behavioral issues would rear their ugly heads that I didn’t allow myself to react to anything… I stopped drinking in 2016, a crutch I didn’t think I could go without… So, I stopped doing a lot of the stuff I loved a long with it… I used to sing in public, join contests… I used to draw a lot… I used to play my guitar every day…

So, what was I now… You know? What was I now that I seemingly lost everything I loved to do…

I spent a good portion of 2017 in bed, depression so bad I didn’t know what I was going to do… But, I also spent 2017 finding out that I could still participate in life…

It wasn’t until recently that I actually realized I wasn’t allowing myself to “enjoy” my life… I had been spending so much time stressing out about things out of my control, that I couldn’t see how amazing my life was.

Christmas Eve I found myself unblocking my son’s profile on facebook and his step mothers profile… And, that night… I finally found an updated picture of him… He’s so big now… And he looks different… He definitely looks a little more like his father now…
And yes, I did steal the picture off of her profile and keep it for myself…
I cried for a very long time. And, I talked with Adam about my feelings… I discussed how I realized I was so concerned about Gideon hating me that it affected my desire to have children… How that was not healthy… I opened up about how I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t allowing myself to enjoy the life we had…

I have an amazing life right now… A life I never thought I deserved, let alone one that I would eventually end up having… I have dreams for the future, which is something I didn’t allow in prior years for fear of not achieving or disappointment…

I graduated college… Yeah, it’s just an Associates Degree with an emphasis in book keeping and accounting… But, I did it… Something I never thought I would actually do… And trust me, I’ve tried a lot… But, I did that… AND, I have a firm belief that once I am able to financially, I will go back and finish. Since high school I have always wanted to work towards my Ph.D… Maybe I can’t do that in accounting, but now that I know I can graduate, my dream lives… Who know’s when I’ll be able to go back to school, but I know that I want to… And will once I can…

I got a job that I actually love… A job that I’ve held down since March of 2017 (nearly 10 months). Yeah, there are times I think about how nice it would be not to have to work, and then I get snowed in for a week straight and realize how dumb I am… Because I know it’s not healthy for me to be in the house all the time… It’s not healthy for anyone to be stuck somewhere like that… I just got offered to be a home operator (mostly because of the snow), but that’s something that I didn’t think would happen for another 3 months… My co-workers are awesome, even if sometimes aggravating.

I’m actively trying to get over my body dysmorphia and image issues… I’m tired of just talking about wanting to lose weight and getting discouraged when it just doesn’t happen (as most people do). I am going to start a diet on Monday…
I know what you’re thinking… Diet’s aren’t good, they’re hard and no one achieves anything…
Sure, that’s true in a sense… I think you just need to find something that works for you… So, I’m not really starting a diet, more a lifestyle change. I’ve done a lot of research into the Ketogenic Diet thanks to someone from work… The benefits of this are perfect for me… It resets your liver (which I desperately need) and it allows for an entire metabolic change… This means cutting out absolutely everything I love to eat (IE: Bread, Pasta, Oatmeal, CARBS!!!! speaking of… Gods I’m hungry….)
But, I’m ready to take that step and see where it goes… I also am going to get a gym membership… I’m not saying I’m going to use it every day… But, I am going to use it…
I’m going to work on not getting discouraged when things aren’t happening as fast as I think they should be… I’m trying to accept that I’m not 18 anymore… That I can’t just throw on some running shoes and go anymore… I’ve been overweight for… uh… Going on 7 years now… Up until last year I had never been over 280… But, shit happens you know…

A week ago I decided to stop taking my Levothyroxine… I don’t know if I’m just being paranoid, but I swear it’s just making me feel worse… Other than being extremely tired all the time (which I’ve dealt with since childhood… I swear I have narcolepsy or hypersomnia or something…) I’m starting to feel kind of normal… This would be something I’d talk to my doctor about, but I don’t really trust her anymore in that department… So, I will figure it out on my own.

Working on all of this is going to be a big part of getting my mental health back in check… Which, I’m hoping, will open up the possibility to exploring all the emotions I have spent so much of my life shoving into an extremely dark and crowded corner of my brain…

2017 has been eye opening… I honestly can’t wait to see what 2018 brings!

 

I appreciate all of you that read this, and I love reading all of your blogs too. I apologize for being so absent the last couple of weeks… Decembers not really an easy month for me… And honestly, the last 3 weeks of December are just kind of a grueling experience… I hope to get over that, but on my own time…
I can’t wait to catch up on all the blogs I have missed out on the last couple of weeks, expect a lot of notification spamming, because I have the day off tomorrow, and if I have enough time I’m going to show all your blogs love 🙂

 

Thanks for experiencing most of 2017 with me…

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