Dear Gideon

Underdog

My dearest Gideon…

I’ve been told throughout my life ‘if you love something, let it go. And, if it comes back then it was meant to be’. No one ever told me that letting go would be full of such turmoil, inner conflict and all around dread…

I have never been one to become attached to other people… Possibly because of how unattached everything was with my growing up… But you… You were like a beacon of light in my darkest time… You were the lessons in which helped me to who I am today…

However, I never realized any of that until the day I had to let you go… It was a strange sense of defeat in the hollow of my chest while I wrote that damning letter. But every word I wrote rang true… Nothing was more clear to me in that time then allowing you the chance to grow in a stable and loving environment, even when I knew that meant taking myself out of the picture….

I have, many nights, caught my thoughts drifting towards the 3.5 years I had the pleasure of experiencing with you… Most recently my thoughts have turned towards how my relationship with your father would have been had I known at the age of 20 what I know now… Would I have had the emotional self control I do now? Or does that only come after extreme self destruction…

Exactly a year ago today I was so sick that even I began to wonder if Karma had caught up to me… It took months to figure out anything was wrong at all, and still to this day I’m not sure the doctors quite got it right… My mind began processing and accepting that it was finally the moment I had tried so hard to achieve in my younger years…. 

It was over half a year before I really was any where back to ‘normal’… And, the funny thing is, if they had caught this in my younger years, my life could be extremely different today…

I’m not sure when I finally stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop as far as my mental health went… Or if I did, really, for that matter… Yet, I know the more I realize how far I’ve come, the more I think about you…

You butterfly effect-ed me… Your birth set a forward motion of events that led me here… Im ever growing and constantly adjusting… But, I believe part of my growth really kick started in the spring if this year… When I said goodbye and meant it… When I was grown up enough to acknowledge my inability to provide you with the basics of childhood; stability, nurture, growth, etc… 

I sometimes think that, if ever you think to ask of me, the stories you’d be told were of a person who had no need for you and selfishly excused herself out of her responsibilities by saying it was ‘for your own good’… And you may choose to believe those stories… But, I’d like to think you have more of me inside your brain then of your father and you question and push for answers…

I may not have been the perfect mother… But neither is any female reproducing… We try our best to keep our shit together and raise a genuine human being who accepts and loves themselves, but we all mess up all the time… I loved you deeply, and educated you as best I could…

Yes, I got frustrated with you… I was tired all the time… I had some trouble letting go of my thriving social life and drinking problems… But, i never put you in danger, physically harmed you or neglected you…

There might have been times I did not clean, i didnt give you baths every day or have you brushing your teeth, and my cooking left much to be desired… But i never let you go hungry, i never allowed you to feel alone and I didnt take out my emotions on you and I did all i could to make sure you were not living in filth…
I remember one particularly rough day… You were beginning the wonders of walking and driving me insane… You wouldn’t take a nap and nothing I did seemed to help…. Struggling with my own depression and issues, I collapsed to the floor and cried… I remember you coming to me and laying down on me and hugging me and I remember thinking that was the most genuine feeling of love I had ever received in my entire life….

Part of my struggle… Missing how excited you always were to see me… 
I love you, more than I even understand how to… My life would be very different if i had never met you…
Forever,

Your mother

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