Schizoid-anxiety

My anxiety comes in the form of anger, ocd, hyperventilation, staring off into nothing, zoning way the fuck out and ocassionally a complete shut down of my body … Sometimes I just cry for no reason, but only in privacy because I cant allow anyone else to see it… I rant incoherent monologues about things and stumble from subject to subject because i often forget whats going on while im panicking and can only focus on getting words out that dont match whats running through my head… 

Playing video games really fucks with me bad, but watching others play video games is worse… I dont like other people driving for me and I get pretty tempermental About it if i am a passanger…
I am really careful about how I react to things when other people are at work with me/ arpund me in general because i dont want them to see me get upset or act ‘irrational’… I get super stressed when we start getting busy and the people on the phone wont shut up long enough for me to excuse myself to answer another call and then i get really worried my reassign and disconnect rate is going to get me fired… But on the other hand, any time anyone in management asks to speak with me, i automatically assume i’m getting fired because i did something wrong or didn’t take the hours when someone called off or im just not good enough at the job.. 

I dont deal well with change because i really need routine… I actually get angry when things seem to be changing or if I’m being pushed from multiple sides with opposing thoughts than my own…

I honestly have a problem with leaving the house because im super paranoid because my anxiety and I always think people are talking about me/ thinking bad things about me… I have trouble connecting with others because i am analyzing reactions to what I’m saying… I dropped out of college time and again because I was so scared to participate that I lashed out in anger, quit going to classes and drank until I blacked out and couldnt remember who I was… 

I have superficial conversations about my feelings because i get angry when I hear ‘youre over thinking it’, ‘youre stressed about nothing’ and then I shut down until the conversation is changed…

Getting dressed gives me anxiety because i have a lot of clothes that dont fit and im constantly worried the rest of my clothes wont fit and ill just keep getting fat and have no clothes on top of being weirdly obsessed with how I am presented so that others dont judge me based on that….

I actually have insomnia because when I lay down I start going off about everythinf (even if its impossible) and it gets me so worked up i cant even keep my eyes closed from the panic… But i think a lot of it has to do with being afraid to sleep… I sometimes wake up at night and cant move or breath but im in tons of pain… I strugglr with night terrors that rack my body in a psuedo-seizure like muscle spasms and i stop breathing… I worry i sleep so deep that one day I really am not going to wake up and it bothers me Im actually not bothered by that thought.

But, this isnt just anxiety… Its schizoid tendencies… Medicine will only make me numb internally and sleep all the time… Because the meds for anxiety dont take the thoughts away… They make me apathetic, all while internalizing my fears until explode….

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