Xander Remy

This post may seem a little out there….
For about 10 months or so (however long I’ve been working here at my job) I have had the worst baby fever ever… And coming from someone who never initially wanted children to a woman in her mid 20’s who lost all contact with her first born which has driven me insane partially… It seems as if I just don’t know about myself anymore…

Is it possible that my “biological clock” is seriously counting down? I have so many conflicting issues with actually having a kid now, at this point in my life.. Due to everything I went through over the past 3 years, considering I left Casey in April of 2014 and I think our divorce wasn’t fully finalized until like December of that year or something… There’s just been a lot. I have fear of that happening again… I have fear of a lot of things happening when it comes to having a baby…

Now. As I’ve discussed prior in posts, I don’t think we are financially ready to have a kid yet… Mentally, though, I don’t know if I”ll ever be there… But my brain and body is almost in perfect synchronicity when it comes to yelling at me every time I hear a baby make noise or when I see my friends kids… My sisters babies have made me SO jealous… I just can’t even around babies… The smell drives me bonkers… I would literally steal a child if it meant not having to go through pregnancy again. That was a horror show not worth reliving… I was tired, depressed and angry all the time… I wanted nothing to do with anyone while I was pregnant and the labor was ridiculous… I know now that my labor would be scheduled and quick. Considering I had a c-section with Gideon, they have to do another one with any pregnancy I have. When I was pregnant with Gideon my pelvic bones basically fused together and I can’t push baby heads out of my hoo-ha at all. However, the c-section was part of the delivery process that helped in my decision to getting sterilized. Luckily, planned parenthood was not legally allowed to sterilize me at the ripe ole baby making age of 22… So, here I am, able to have children… But also, not really…

I have to get over the mental part of being pregnant ever again… I also have to stop letting the fear that Gideon may hate me regardless of what I do control my life… I will also have to realize there may never be a time that we are going to be “financially able” to afford a child… Adam and I live a pretty selfish lifestyle… We do have a lot of unnecessary bills, but we also like to spend money rather frivolously. I think the matter of insurance is a big issue, as well, as we make too much to get any kind of assistance for ourselves, however I think any child we have would qualify for CHIP… which would reduce the cost of insurance for the child, however, I’m still out of luck in that department, even if I was pregnant.

I have a lot of back and forth when it comes to having/wanting a child… But, I literally can not stop thinking about it.
The title of this post is mine and Adam’s very awesome name choice, and the other day when I was out with my sister for her birthday, I realized that it’s the perfect non-gender specific name. I could totally use it for either a girl or a boy.
I have other names I love for any children I may have… Kloe Ayden for a girl and Sebastian Alekzander for a boy… But, those are for children after wards HAHA. if I ever have children again…

I think there were many times I should have been pregnant in the last 2 years… But I’ve been so sick off and on I think my body was just like “fuck you” and didn’t want to have to support another life… So I stopped ovulating and started having issues with my cycle again… I haven’t really had problems with my cycle since I got the IUD I had in after I had Gideon… I was fairly regular up until I met Adam… I had to get the IUD taken out because it dislodged from position. I decided to keep it out for a while, we had talked about trying, I think it was a few months later I decided to get on the pill because I had quit my job at the time, was very focused on school and that’s when all the stuff started going down with Casey and Gideon… I was super stressed a lot and super depressed… Even on the pill I was still pretty irregular…
I didn’t stop taking it again until May of this year, when I lost my insurance… I was so irregular I couldn’t even really remember if or when I had had a cycle until a few months ago, when I had one that last almost 2 weeks straight (I have discussed this in a previous post). That was a long couple of months of me peeing on a stick and being very disappointed at the results of the At-Home pregnancy Test. Thinking they were super wrong, and I just had to be pregnant… When I started that period, I don’t really know how I felt.. I think I was just as elated at not being pregnant as I was disappointed… So I started taking the Pill again. only to find out it was really messing with my body, so after a month and a half I stopped taking it again. Had a really weird cycle and am going completely crazy about babies again…

Was it the Pill keeping me from really experiencing the insanity that is Baby Fever? Or is my body telling me I’m ready to try again?

 

 

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