Dear Gideon:

It’s been more than a month since I wrote a letter to you…
Not because I haven’t had anything to say… Actually the exact opposite… I had too much to say, and I want this to be easy to follow and not involve a lot of useless blame/ramble…

So, I have something I actually need to talk about with you. Something that has been on my mind since even before we stopped seeing each other… Probably something I have been thinking about since I truly understood how to care for you…

The other night, while I was sitting at work… I found something that I didn’t think I would ever truly find out…
Turns out your daddy has had another son. This past May you had your first blood brother (half-brother, but that’s beside the point).  Before I continue, I’d like to explain how I got to this information. I was hoping I’d find an updated picture of you online from your kindergarten graduation… I was under the assumption that you would have gone to Lowellville k-6. I was on the school’s website and found one of the high school teachers was the photographer for many of the events… When I didn’t see you in the graduation photo’s, I just started looking up your name and your fathers name… The youngstown newspaper is what gave me the information… May 12, 2017 I believe the date was…

I need to talk about how truly devastated I was when I found that information… But, it wasn’t just because you have your first blood sibling and it wasn’t with me and your dad… Those feelings passed for him a long time ago… Without getting to into it, I never wanted to have children with your father again after I found out I was pregnant with you… Not because I had never wanted children to begin with, but because I had grown to hate your father a lot during my pregnancy. Hate and resent him…

No, I was devastated because the last few years I’ve been telling myself (and honestly believing) that I didn’t want to have a kid because it would be selfish and you would hate me. I was devastated because my brain and heart had me believing that if I had another child after all that happened between us that you would really never want anything to do with me… Because, how could I leave you… How could I have no contact with my first born… The child that helped me grow and learn to love… But, I could have another child that I was going to have with me for it’s entire life…

However, I wasn’t exactly devastated for that reason… My brain and heart were torn when I found out your father had another child… And, it was because I couldn’t stop thinking that, maybe, instead of you hating me for having another child, you would hate me because I hadn’t had another child… That it would somehow prove what everyone else had said about me, that I was selfish, never wanted you, didn’t want children. And, it would confirm that I left because I wanted nothing to do with you… That somehow not having another child after you would make everything your father and his family had said about me true… That I was a terrible mother and never truly cared for you…

 

All of this has been in my head and weighing heavy on my heart the last couple of days… I have been struggling to get out of bed… I have had issues concentrating at work… I have not been able to look at a photo of you…
I’ll admit, I seemed fine for a while after finding out, even with all those thoughts swarming my head like bees… It wasn’t until I picked Adam up from work that it struck me that I spent a good 45 minutes at work trolling your fathers name and credit information… To find out that he’s behind on student loans, behind on his car payment… Just behind… And I couldn’t understand that what he was doing to you and his family was any less terrible than what him, his family and his lawyer said I did through out your first years of life… I couldn’t understand how he could bring another child in to the world without having enough money to properly care for the child… How he could possibly still think that it was ok to struggle with no regard to how it would effect the way his children grow up…
Now, I can’t tell you that I know for sure all the bills are behind because he’s struggling… Your father has always had a good job, and the last time I spoke with your step mother, she was a professor with an online college… So, my thought process was “how are you both making $10+ an hour and still not paying your bills, but think it’s ok to bring another baby into that life…?”
And, that just made me seriously go through everything we had gone through when I was with your father… How many times your grandfather gave us money to cover grocery’s, laundry or gas… How your grandfather bought me glasses and helped cover my medications… How your grandparents constantly had to help us buy diapers and wipes… How even my own adoptive family had to give me a phone so I had contact with people, how they had gone grocery shopping for us… How they had given me money for gas and put me on their insurance in order to get the health care I needed… And, that made me wonder if all of that was happening again… I know how stressed out and depressed it made me to not be able to properly provide for you… How I constantly worried how we were going to have food for the month…

And, I had vowed that if I ever had children with Adam, that we would never have to worry about if we were going to have food, if we were going to have clean clothes, if we were going to have all the baby stuff we needed… It was a very straight forward thing I had to lay out… Adam wants to have kids, and for a while we did try… But, it always came back to the same strict rules I set up for us… We had to have enough money to afford a 2 bedroom, if not 3… We had to have the finances to be able to afford clothes, diapers/wipes, bath stuff, toys, bedding, laundry and detergent… And, I wanted to be financially off enough that we would definitely never have to worry about having food, gas and other necessities…

 

So, as I talked to Adam about how I felt… How my brain had flopped on the “selfish for having a kid” to “selfish for not having a kid”, we discussed all of this… Both Adam and I make $10+ an hour, we work great jobs, have a great place right now for just us… We aren’t worrying about finances because we have more than enough money… However, we don’t have enough money to really afford a baby right now…
And, like I said… I don’t not want to have children… I’ve been dreaming of having a child with Adam for a while… (mixed in amongst the dreams I have of you and me, the nightmares I have with your father in them and my every day normal night terrors that hit me in the worst way…)

I know that we can’t feasibly afford having a baby right now… Especially with how much money we both make. We don’t qualify for any kind of government or state assistance due to how much we make a year combined… So, no WIC, no medical, no foodstamps to help with the cost of food… My job doesn’t offer insurance and Adam’s won’t cover me… So, we would have to buy insurance, which is an expense we can’t even afford now, with just the 2 of us…

This is me sitting here logically, black and white, thinking through the terrible stress I’ve been working with the last couple of days… The idea that it is selfish of me not to have a kid because you might possibly hate me and believe that I’m no good and never want contact with me just seems ludicrous… It would be selfish of me to bring a baby into this situation… Not with financial security. If I was making over $20 an hour, it would be considerably easier… But, as it stands… I’m not being selfish… I didn’t leave you because I didn’t want you… I didn’t stop visiting you and calling you because I’m a horrible person… If that is what people are telling you, then I hope to have the chance one day to help you see that was not the case…
But, I’m not going to let my fear of your life long hatred stop me from logically thinking through a situation…

I love you with everything in me… I want you in my life all the days… And, yes… I’d love to have another child… Being with the person you love can change you… But, I will not bring a baby into a situation that I can’t control…. That was a big thing when I was pregnant with you… I didn’t have any control over the situation… I was scared of who I was with, I was stressed out… I was depressed and angry… I wasn’t able to work through my issues then like I’ve had the opportunity to do lately…. I wish you could be here with us… I wake up from dreams of making breakfast with you, sitting and watching sesame street… And, I physically ache knowing that it was a dream… I wish you could experiencing the love and support I have now…

Maybe some day…

 

I love you….

 

 

Your mother

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