Daily Life Struggles

Hey everyone, it’s been a while….
I’ve had a lot of personal issues going on the last week or more (I can’t remember when exactly my last post was put up), I’m going to refer to my last post real quick and come back to add.

spongebob meme

Sorry, got a bit distracted with the PS4 and rummaging around the house for things. But, I have read the post back to myself and realize it literally was just some updates and concerns.

So, 13 days since my last post for deathbytypography… What an unlucky number… Trust me, I have sat and stared at my computer, thinking about typing up something and getting it out there… More for me then for the internet world… I’ve honestly just been to out of it to really care much about anything. Binge watching youtube video’s all while laying mindlessly on the couch until I have to leave for work.

For this post, I’m going to keep it to a bit of the meaningless concerns that I have for myself…
Remember in my last post (update from 13 days ago…) I talked about how obsessed I had come with how many calories I was eating a day? Yeah, that got blown out the window, I’m still very concerned with getting over a certain caloric intake a day, however I have had the hardest time with binge eating junk food…. My face is breaking out really bad because of it…. I used to think that I was one of those people who’s depression was an appetite suppressant… But, if I’ve learned anything the last 2.5 years, that’s not me anymore… We order out, go through a drive through, or buy some super easy shitty food to make and I really gorge on it… I have been eating less during the day time, but at night, my meal with Adam…. I end up eating shit…
I think it makes me feel better for a little bit, until I’m done eating and realize how sick I feel and that this isn’t helping me at all in my weight loss… Then I go back to feeling very miserable, only self-pity on top of it, because I can’t control myself. I’m either of the super extremes… Either I don’t eat all (meaning I take in less than 200 calories a day) or I eat 3x my body weight in one meal, like a fucking hippopotamus…

I thought the reason for my bloating and fluid retention the past 6 months had been because my meds weren’t right and I had gone on and off my birth control and have been eating shit food with high sodium percentages… For about 2 weeks we stopped eating all fast food and Adam was cooking good meals for dinner. I was eating at least a sandwich and a yogurt before work and drinking a lot of water but I was still really holding on to fluid in my hands, ankles and feet…
So, last night I was at work and decided to look up if there was any interaction with birth control, my Dysfunctional Uterin Bleeding diagnosis and my Hypothyroidism… Turns out the birth control I have been on for 2 years is a combination birth control pill (meaning that there’s estrogen AND progesterone in the 21 days). So, I’m going through all the side effects that aviane (the specific brand I have) and realize that this shit is literally only helping regulate my cycle… There’s a high possibility this is what’s causing all my fluid retention, including the on-set of terrible migraines due to the fluid retention. It has the possibility to be messing with my liver even more since I have higher tryglycerides, causing me to have a non-alcoholic fatty liver.. AND, it’s creating a higher chance for me to have extremely low depression…
Now, we know the last time I was off my birth control I didn’t have a cycle for nearly 90 days, and then I had it for nearly 2 weeks straight… I had a semi normal one this last time being on the pill… But, I know that the last time I was off my birth control it didn’t help at all with the fluid retention and we were so worried I was pregnant that we spent nearly $100 in that 3 months on at-home tests… There could be a high correlation between the fact that I was self-adjusting my thyroid medication and the weather was so extremely hot still… But, as I’m not a doctor, I have no way to actually figure out what was causing it all…

I know that when I was off all my medications I retained so much fluid in my hands and feet that people were physically able to see it and were constantly asking me if I was ok… There was a lot more symptoms too (like terrible lethargy, constipation, etc…) So, when I asked my doc about all of this and all she suggested was that I start taking the levothyroxine again, I was desperate… I think I was on the 50mcg’s daily for like 2 weeks or so before I doubled it to 100mcgs. I dealt with some really bad side effects from that. I couldn’t sleep hardly at all, I had a racing heart all the time, I couldn’t get comfortable because it felt like my skin was crawling, my blood pressure was really high so I was experiencing moments when I would stand up to fast that the blood would rush from my head and I’d fall back onto the couch…
When I contacted my doctor about the lack of cycle and questions about the levothyroxine being raised… I got hit with $150 blood draw bill just to show that my TSH levels were at .26 or something…
Now, I don’t know much about the thyroid and whatnot. I know it helps control a lot of the immune system, your metabolism and your growth rate… It’s super important when you’re pregnant… So, I know that .26 is really low, which means I really was in a hyperthyroid state… In that amount of time I had lost 3 lbs and some inches… I don’t know if I was purposely overdosing to try and lose weight… But, the doctor said that my level was fine… Now, this is just based on the TSH level, there was no draw for FREET4 and FREET3, amongst other things… And those are really good indicators of how my thyroid is acting… So, literally all I know is my TSH level is .26, which is super low, but who cares… We have no way of knowing if my FREET3 levels are too low and my FREET4 is too high, indicating I’m still experiencing hypothyroid symptoms…

Since I don’t have insurance, no one really cares though… It’s nice my doctor even cared enough to order the test and keeps prescribing my meds… But, it sucks because I have no clue what’s actually going on with my body…

 

I seriously feel like I started this blog off with something to say and I ended up just rambling about my thyroid issues and lack of medication…

 

To recap, I’m going back off my birth control to see if that helps with the fluid retention… I’m still experiencing issues with weight gain and binge eating. I’m severely depressed lately and very stressed out…..

HOWEVER, I did stop buying cigarettes at the store and haven’t really “craved” one since last week… But, that might change soon…

 

I chose to use this prompt of the day due to struggling so hard with everything… And it might seem superficial to some… But, these are things that really effect my mood for the entire day… Just as easily as how shitty my hair looks and how my face keeps breaking out and I can’t figure out for the life of me why…

Identity

 

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