So, I guess we’re going to have to talk about how absolutely shitty yesterday had been.
As expected I had the migraine of a life time. Lasted for nearly 6 hours with nausea and all the pain and sensitivity associated. Work was difficult for the first 2 hours, but it seemed to subside as the I hit the half way point, which was nice.
And, I don’t know if we can thank the withdrawals from the Topamax or if we can send gratitude to great Mother Nature for letting me know I’m not pregnant. Whatever the cause may be, I’m glad I’m not suffering it again today. Just the typical “time of the month” symptoms of bloating, gas-y-ness and cramping.
Anyways, today I decided to merge my two sites together. I figured since I was having a hard time keeping up with both, I would just merge the two into one and make this my “safe place” to write my letters to my son and whomever, as well as my place to go through my daily life struggles that I can’t seem to bring up to anyone else.
It shocks me that there are people commenting on my stuff. But, I know I’ve been putting myself out there with adding the “daily prompt” links to my posts so that they are out there for the world to read. But, at the same time, I really guess I never expected anyone to want to bother reading any of this stuff…
I’ve been working on not smoking for about a year now. I think in April I bought my vape and started trying to wean myself off the nicotine. As things have gone over the past 7 or 8 months, I have gone up to 12mg per bottle now, and the last couple of months I have been buying cigarettes at the store as well. I’m struggling with how I feel about this. I was so ready to quit smoking for my health and because I was getting so sick all the time and having respiratory issues at all times of the year. Since I’ve quit smoking for real it seems I have more problems breathing sometimes then I did when I was smoking a pack a day. I don’t know if it’s from my lungs trying to catch up or what. But, I have had the worst cravings for cigarettes over the last month. To the point where I am sneaking and buying them and then in a fit of guilt, tattling on myself. Adam is concerned and disappointed… He really wants me to quit smoking completely and he’s told me plenty of times that he feels if he makes me feel bad enough for buying them that he hopes I’ll stop, but he’s also admitted that he feels if he does that it will drive me to buy them more… My smoking is very stress induced, when I started smoking it took a week for me to get through a pack. At my worst, I was smoking a pack and a half a day… By the time I quite I was going through about 18 packs of cigarettes in a 30 day basis (I only break it down like this because at this point Rachels parents were driving to Seneca and I was giving them money to bring me back 2 cartons on the 1st of each month).
I will admit since I’ve stopped avidly smoking, my teeth have gotten better. Menthol is my weakness, I started off on Marlboro Red 100’s (goddamn cowboy killers… This is how you know I grew up in the south…) but now anything regular makes me nauseous. Not that I have insurance to get a check up on them. But last time I went to the dentist they pulled quite a few of my molars and filled some deep cavities. So, I don’t experience a lot of oral pain anymore unless I’m smoking. And I don’t notice chest pain as much anymore when I’m not smoking cigarettes either… If I buy a pack and smoke it responsibly (meaning I don’t go to Rachel’s and smoke 3/4 of the pack in a 5 hour sitting) that pack will last me nearly 7 whole days now… But that’s also because I’m not smoking in the house, I’m not smoking around Adam and I’m trying not to smoke in the car… But, the last 2 weeks I’ve bought 3 packs of cigarettes (maybe 4, my memory is shit) in total and they have all been gone in a matter of 3 days max.
I have been obsessing the last couple of days over how many calories I’ve been eating. I had unsuccessfully tried to maintain less than 1000 calories, which if I can be honest with you (and let’s be real, I can… Because this is the internet).. If I’m not tracking my calories I can easily EAT under 1000 calories, however I have a soda/energy drink habit I can’t seem to kick and that always gets me all the time… Anyways, so as I’m tracking my calories, obsessing over how if I hadn’t eaten this or that, I’d be way under my calorie goal for the day and making myself miserable I realized that I was binge eating a lot more… To the point that it was physically making me sick.. .and I absolutely hate throwing up… There’s a word for that, emetophobia or something. It actually makes me even more sick to think about throwing up and I panic and obsessively clean and get super irritable.
So, I had a few nights of crying silently to sleep due to feeling like a complete failure. Feeling like absolute shit because I legit ate what seemed like a million lbs of food, and there was nothing I could do to stop from feeling sick and feeling more miserable.
I don’t know how to stop myself from obsessing over any of this.
I’ve been telling myself for years now that I just forget to eat breakfast or lunch because I’m busy… But, the last couple of days I’ve been wondering if I had been “faking it til I make it” kind of thing. Was I lying to myself about that just like I was lying to everyone else? Was I really forgetting to eat or was I making myself not eat until the last possible moment because I knew there was no way to avoid eating dinner with everyone? Since I’ve been with Adam, dinner has been the only meal we have eaten with each other, it’s our time together. And it’s a big deal for him that we spend that time together and I eat… I can’t get away with not eating.
So, that’s been weighing on me. Outside of that, everything else is going alright. Picking up hours at work hasn’t seemed to be too taxing, and it looks like I don’t have to do that at all next week as I’m scheduled for the hours I’d like. So it’ll be nice to actually have 2 full days off. This weeks schedule has been really up and down and throwing me off mentally, since I’ve been working such weird hours. But, I kind of signed myself up for that when I decided I would work whatever they wanted me to in order to get the hours I need.
For now I’m going to leave this here. I want to take some time to prepare before I have to go to work today. I was editing a video for youtube, so I haven’t left my computer since I got back from dropping Adam off at work this morning.