I hate looking in this mirror… But, I can’t help but to look in it either. That’s the problem, isn’t it. I strive so much to see change that I spend so much time in front of the thing I fear the most…

Bet you couldnt guess I’m 6’0. It’d probably be a little more astonishing to learn last time I was weighed (more than a month ago now), I came in at 312.

I got really sick last year. For 3 months no one could figure out why I was vomitting more than 5 times a day and had diarrhea. I couldn’t eat because I couldn’t keep anything down, but that didnt stop the vomitting… It also didn’t stop the rise of my weight gain. From November of 2016 to February of 2017, no one could tell me what was wrong…. I finally got my Pcp to get me to get a colonoscopy, that dr also suggest I get a liver ultrasound and gall bladder HIDA test.

Thats when we found out absolutely nothing was wrong with me. I had a non-alcoholic fatty liver with high tryglycerides from being over weight and this dr told me my thyroid was pretty inactive… So, when I went to my dr and brought up that it was suggested I had hypothyroidism, she said I just had a shitty metabolism… This did not surprise me considering I had been bringing up my fluctuating weight concerns for over a year prior to ending up violently ill and she kept telling me it was very common for women, no matter how active, to have trouble losing weight…

However, she did prescribe me levothyroxine.
Not long after finding all of this out, starting to feel better and finding a job, I lost my insurance (as previously mentioned, so I won’t be long winded about that). And, it seemed fitting. Why would it be fair for me to get any healthier when so many other things were wrong in my life…

When we found this apartment I was so excited for that wall of mirrors because I wanted to start doing my makeup videos on youtube again (and I have, sort of). But, the mirrors in this apartment have just brought me more grief than anything.

Looking back to a day after moving in, eating lunch at my desk in front of those mirrors. I broke down in tears by how disgusting I looked, yet couldn’t stop myself from eating at the time… Now, if I have food and walk past those mirrors I will rethink eating and grab a glass of water instead. Even if I haven’t eaten all day…

Our closet doors in our bedroom are mirrors as well. Ive stopped getting dressed in there and have realized I’ve chosen a spot between the bathroom and hallway closet where there are no mirrors….

Before, I used to try and do little things to help myself feel sexy… Photo shoots, new clothes… I’m not sure why none of it seems appealing now, but I feel gross with clothes on… I dont like a lot of my pictures… I hate my hair and wish it would grow faster… I hate that my breasts are so small and always have been… Now just made worse by how big my stomach is…

Of all the weight I could have gained… None went to my boobs or butt… Typical…
I’ve got 30 minutes to pep talk myself into going to work… I can’t afford to call off again…


7 thoughts on “Self-loathing

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  1. There’s a little switch on your head, just behind the ears – turn it off and tune it out, and the negative swirl can have a rest for a while. You don’t need it, it doesn’t help, it says the same things all the time and never, ever offers hope.
    Once that switch is off, turn on the one on the other ear, the one that offers up the good moments in life; the comfy bed, the best pillow, the sun shining at an angle that creates an amazing pattern on the glass/wall/door, etc.
    Perspective. I don’t know who said it, but:
    Discourse (what you say to yourself) creates and shapes perception. Now consider yourself the only person in the world who is capable of knowing how to be of assistance to the real you.


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