Easily Frustrated

I have to admit. I’m usually a pretty level headed person. But, some things just really get to me. Being told I have an attitude when I feel like I definitely don’t, being talked over, pestering questions that I don’t feel like you need to know…
I’m sure everyone’s like this sometimes, but my brain will kick this from 0-100 real quick. Almost like I’m constantly angry, just waiting for the right thing to blow up at. And it’s usually pretty dumb stuff too, my brain will register that I might have overreacted, and then I just kind of let it go.

My husband is one of those people that don’t like to let things go. A lot of the simple arguments we get into are becausr he is still upset about something else, tells me I have an attitude or gets upset because I wont answer his questions the way he wants me to.

My biggest pet peave is privacy. Don’t ask me what I’m doing on my phone/computer, who I’m talking to… Just don’t… I dont bombard your every day with paranoid anxiety ridden questions… Basically, I feel that is the rudest way to say ‘I don’t trust you, now gimme your phone’…

Some people might see my reaction and say I have something to hide. Im the last person to have anything to hide.. I simply like my privacy. I like to be able to do what I please with out accusatory questions from people… 

To out it into perspective, I didn’t have privacy until I was 19… I couldn’t have a journal without fear it would be read, when I finallg was allowed on the internet, my chat logs were saved to the computer and I wasn’t allowed on anything other than msn messenger and halo… My adoptive mother was one step shy of being a full blown sociopath… She used to drive by my summer job to make sure i was there the whole time and actually scheduled, and when she found out i was dating a senior my freshman year, she forced me to be driven to and from school. I wasn’t allowed to be alone and god forbid she find out I told anyone about our home life, she then had to make an elaborate speach to them about how I was a pathological liar, I couldn’t even tell the truth in my journal..

Little did she know, I had a journal specifically full of bullshit, because I knew she was reading it…

I was stifled creatively growing up… I was not allowed to grow and figure out who I was as a person… I was in all intents and purposes, sheltered and made to feel crazy…

Now, this leads me back into my easily frustrated narrative. Due to the lack of rope I was given growing up, i often times have some weird flashbacks due to *trigger events* in my life… And I revert yo a defensive, shell of a person… I start off angry and end with detached and uncommunicative. Its a frustrating personality issue for many. 

I get stuck in thoughts of what I’d like to say, but at this point my mouths connection to my brain is stuck on ‘shut’ and my body goes dead weight. Its a terrible defense mechanism I picked up at a young age… 

I’ll be honest, it does take a minute for my connections to fry… But if I get that disassociated, its best to just leave me be..

This brings me to an important lesson I learned about myself. I give people in my life so many chances before my brain finally shuts them out. My biological mother had this effect on me and just recently my adoptive sister got it too. I spent over a year of my life trying to help her enter the world, a year I was extremely sick. She would ask for advicr and the argue with me about it, inevitably going and doing her own thing. She spent a majority of that year whining about how hard life was and how she was being treated (and without going into that storg, i do want to admit some of it was a struggle for her), but the whole time was blaming everyone else and not taking any credit for her actions.

Adam had gotten her a job where he works. Its a restaurant, not glamorous, ive done it. And a month or so after she started she would be crying at work, going outside for long periods and arguing with everyone. Then, it comes to my attention that she is treating Adam like shit. At that point I had had enough. I told her she was on her own, best of luck, etc… She ended up moving back in with our adoptive parents (the same parents who had her in group homes for years, put her in a shelter instead of helping her AND treated her like shit).  I told her not to message me anymore, i didnt need her drama and stress in my life… She came in to that job not long after this and quit by saying ‘i won’t be coming in anymore, my mom gave me permission to quit’. Real grown up, this one…

Recently a mutual party of mine and my sister’s life reached out to Adam. I very firmly told him to tell her to go fuck herself. Maybe a week or two later i got a message from my sister telling me i pushed her out of my life because she moved back in with our parents, i took things to far, i wasn’t supportive.

I am not proud of my responses to her message. I was not very mature or nice, and then i blocked her. After a year and a half of being nothing but supportive and trying to help, i was very, very upset that she had the nerve to say those things to me… I told her i was an adult, but after sending this messages i didn’t feel like one… 

See what i mean when i say i get easily frustrated… I lashed out and then disassociated myself. I couldn’t help but think if i had made her cry, i did genuinely feel bad. But, i have worked so hard to become the person i am today to let petty drama stress me out…

Attached are screen shots of said conversation.

As you can see…. I was very immature, the last bit was very uncalled for… But it’s out there… I was so angry i couldn’t even type correct… The spelling errors piss me off more than the entire thing now…

What she didn’t realize is that she is toxic, just like everyone in her life. Theres a reason my adoptive family and I dont talk… And that is a prime example of the mentally fucked up shit I’ve delt with since I was 12… 

Thinking back on my life, I wish I would have grown up with the alcoholic drug-addict as opposed to the overbearing, mentally challanged… 

Thats all I’ve got on this one tonight

Disobey

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