Dear Casey:

I struggle with continuing to write to you.
I have so much more to say, and yet I feel it’s beyond words.

I remember when I left you the first time in our marriage. It was fall of 2012… I was taking you to work, I had an interview to go to. I can’t remember what we started arguing about, but I started walking in the rain. You tried grabbing me by my belt and pulling me back in the car, but I got out anyways. After which, you followed me down the side walk yelling at me, throwing the car keys at my back. I kept walk and you had caught up with me and pushed me on to the ground. There were people in the back of the house we were in front of who stopped everything they were doing and just stared at us… Not making a move to help or anything. I got up and kept walking, crying through the rain… I had decided then that was when I was leaving… I had taken enough from you, and being humiliated in front of people by you, people who just watched it happen, I couldn’t do it anymore.
I picked Gideon up from your parents house, said we were going to run some errands together. I had mine and Gideon’s stuff packed up in under 3 hours, in the car and on our way to my parents house…
You tried filing for a Divorce, something I wasn’t even going to do at that point, I just thought we needed time apart, time to collect ourselves, learn about each other again and move towards getting back together… I received the Divorce a long with a file for an emergency Ex Parte… You told me your mother filed it against me, trying to get the judge to force my parental rights due to lies. The judge had denied it, and you dropped that divorce. Some weeks later you had reapplied for it because you were having problems with the way I was letting you see Gideon…
I couldn’t understand what the huge deal was then… You didn’t seem to want a whole lot to do with him until I took him. We worked out a custody agreement and went to the mediators and filed a custody order in Erie. You paid for it, I never coaxed you into believing you would never get a chance to see Gideon again if you didn’t follow through, I had every opportunity to fight a divorce and custody against you then, even without a lawyer. But you did the custody agreement on your own. As part of the agreement you were to do therapy.
I remember the day you were supposed to take him home for a weekend visit. You came up with your dad. The only time you ever had to bring any kind of proof regarding your therapy, and you walked in and said you had forgotten it and why could I just let you take him anyways. I had told you then and there that how could I trust you to bring Gideon back if you couldn’t even remember to bring some simple paper work to prove you were going to therapy… Your dad got involved, there was a huge blow out. You told my adoptive mom that she had no familial tie to Gideon and should keep her nose out of things… I remember your dad, very vividly, telling me that he could help me, they could bring me back to Ohio and all would be better… Because marriage is work, it’s not easy…

It was January of 2013 that I decided to get back together with you. But it was also when I decided you would get a year of my time. And, if our relationship hadn’t improved and the way you treated me and I treated you weren’t better… Then it was not meant to be…

I put my whole being into that relationship for over a year. I held my tongue, walked on eggshells around you, did more for you than I had for anyone I’d ever been with. I worked so hard on keeping that relationship going and trying to fix whatever it was that was the problem. I tried paying more attention to you, but it got to a point where you were more into your video game after work, and I started doing my own thing on second life.

To be completely honest with you, the day I really decided to leave was months before I actually did leave you.
It was my birthday. It was also the day we had planned to do something for our anniversary, as well. I got ready before you got home and when you came through the door, I asked if you were going to get ready and you told me no, that you were tired after work and didn’t want to do anything. I was very hurt. I could understand you were tired, but you had agreed to the plans and it was only for a couple drinks to celebrate.
I ended up leaving and going out anyways, drinking with a friend and not really enjoying my night… It was at that point I had stopped putting so much effort into that “relationship”… I was seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist again and both of them told me how unhealthy my living situation was. I never exagerated the truth and I never put the blame all on you… In April I finally decided I was done…

I was legitimately afraid to tell you I wanted a divorce. I knew what the reprocussions would be… We’d argue, you’d beg me to stay, that it wasn’t too late, things could be different, and ultimately, you’d keep Gideon from me…
I knew in order for any of us to be mentally stable again I had to go, so I called up a friend that wouldn’t have turned around and gone home even if I said I was staying with you and I left. Gideon was with your parents, there was no taking him with me this time… Your family made it clear that that wouldn’t happen again… And, at risk of anything becoming physical between us, I didn’t press the issue and left without him.

I think I stayed at my friends house until around July. I made some efforts to visit, but as you made clear to the judge during the divorce, I didn’t make enough… And, you’re right. I had no excuse, you offered to pay for the gas on most occasions, but I was too bent on getting over you, getting out of your control and, lets be honest, I was severely depressed and suffering… I used a lot of excuses not to visit at your house.

I actually wasn’t shocked when you did let me have Gideon for a whole week and then filed a custody order the same day you came and picked him up. You didn’t want to follow the agreement we already had in place because you didn’t want me to have Gideon… I don’t know if it was more for Gideon, so he could be close to the family he’d been around his entire life up until that point or if it was purely selfish in your thoughts that it would get me to keep coming back to you..
I’ll give it to you, the shit you put me through did keep me coming back… Even after I knew I was never going to be in a relationship with you, there was still a part of me that thought everything would be so much easier if you and I just stayed together…

For now, I’ll stop…

your ex-wife

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