Bell-Jar’s

In my attempts to journey my way to a happier me, as mentioned before, I had started a blog to my son that included letters to myself, his father and, in the future, anyone else involved in that life…
I have realized that I am mentally getting a lot off my proverbial chest, but it’s also making me think more on the subject during times of being alone, rest or when I have absolutely nothing else going on.
I can’t find solace from the running thoughts that crash through my brain in books, gaming or mindless television watching… I have had incidents of such severe depression I cry for extended periods of time while sitting in my tub and the shower is running… I have always found that comforting, not sure why…

I try to distract myself while I’m alone, but most of the time I can’t escape it. Thus the “online journal’ path I’ve taken. It’s nice to have a place, or 2, to go to when I need to get all the thoughts out of my head but don’t necessarily want to talk about them.
I often feel trapped when it a situation where I have to discuss any kind of emotional things. Anything that triggers me in to reacting any differently than my normal, non-chalant, un-ruffled manner. I feel stuck inside a glass bell, everyone can see me and judge me for the feelings I have… And, to be a overly dramatic, I would sooner break my fingers then let someone judge me for the things I have going on.

The problem is, I’m so paranoid that people are going to judge me or not be at my level, intelligence wise, that their not going to respond in a way that makes sense that I don’t bother telling anyone anyways…
I have mentioned that I’ve talked to my best friend about things, I often try to talk to my husband also. And, every time I’m disappointed in the words they choose or the manner of which they verbally try and help with… It’s not that they aren’t telling me what I want to hear… If I wanted that response I would talk to myself… It’s what I am hearing them say doesn’t register as a valid view point towards how I am feeling nor does it even make sense…
Adam will often times just sympathize and tell me how much he loves me and how I shouldn’t have to feel that way. Tell me that we are in it together and he’ll help me make it. Rachel tells me I shouldn’t be worried about what other people think and I’m stressing out over something that’s stupid…
I become distant from the conversation at that point, nodding and saying “yeah, I get that”, I stop listening because it doesn’t seem to matter how much I explain, they just don’t get it…

So, I seek the comfort of the internet… The one place that though you are far more likely to be judged and bullied, is also very sympathetic and comforting in it’s anonymity… Sure, you may “know” who I am (and in reality, you know me far better than most who are actually part of my life), but you wouldn’t be able to spot me in the street if you even live near me…

 

I once thought blogging about my life on youtube was a good idea… There were some things I shared openly on youtube, a few vlogs that had to do about my weight issues and helping others… I haven’t taken them down, but I don’t video blog anymore… It has a lot to do with being verbally open.
I like the security I receive with being open through writing… I have my thoughts down, though some times rambled,  and I can always turn to it. This process allows me to, often times, answer my own questions and solve problems by getting all of the information down in one place, rather than struggling to get the right words and explaining it so the other person can understand.

 

I’m not saying my struggles and life is so severely different than anyone elses that they wouldn’t understand, but in my personal experience, most don’t…

Sympathy

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s