Catch-22

Sometimes I wish I was as dedicated to exercising as I was to skin care, makeup, my job and sleeping.
I was just saying the same thing the other day as I was doing my daily cuticle gel in order to make my nails look better and grow stronger… Ever since I got really sick a year ago and found out I had issues with my thyroid and liver, my skin, hair and nails have gone to shit.
I sometimes bring up my weight issues to my best friend. And, in her good hearted way, she tells me I am stressing out about it too much… Maybe I am, but in the same instant, last time I checked I was still over 300lbs with a fatty liver and slowly declining health, where as she was losing weight with absolutely no effort on her part.

I know, the point of her telling me I was stressing too much about it was to try and get me to stop caring about the way I looked, but I don’t think she realizes that it’s a lot more than that. I’m worried about my health, and also I’m very tired of my clothes not fitting me… I’m tired of spending money on clothes, I’m tired of being overweight and feeling bloated… I’m tired of trying on clothes and them fitting so oddly because, shocker, my body is different than what most people think a fat person should look like… I have super long legs and a very long torso and ALL of my weight is in my stomach ( a tiny bit in my arms and thighs).

However, this isn’t a post about my extreme body issue.

It’s a post about how absolutely wrecked I am most days… I would love to get out there and run long distance like I used to. Or go for a really long walk… But, after putting on all this weight due to my illness, condition and lack of moderation when it came to fast food, I have osteoarthritis in my hips and lower spine and I can barely stand to walk a mile without my legs burning, my feet going numb and my back legitimately crippling me.

While it was still warm out, I was trying to at least go for that walk, or ride my bike, but since the weather has been changing (though I love fall dearly), my mood has slowly been going down hill. And the more my mood goes down, the more tired I become…
However, as you learned in my previous post, I suffer from a pretty severe case of insomnia, and due to working a varied schedule, I don’t always end up sleeping a whole lot.
By the time I should be laying in bed drifting off, my mind has either entered it’s second wind, in turn waking my body completely again… OR, I’m too anxious to sleep. Now, I can tell you exactly when this particular bout of insomnia started.

 

I lost my medical insurance at the end of April, right around the time I was diagnosed with this crap. I fought to try and keep it, took it to a judge and ended up dismissing it, because I realized the welfare worker was right, I made too much money and there was no way around it, even if I couldn’t afford health insurance through the market place… So, I had stopped taking all of my medications, only to have to have my thyroid hormones called in emergency because I was starting to get so sick again that it was physically noticeable to everyone around me. So, for a month I started taking the low dose of 50mcg’s of levothyroxine and when my swelling wasn’t getting any better and I was then sleeping all hours of the day and night and was still completely exhausted.
I decided at that point that I was going to up the dose of my levothyroxine myself. So, I doubled it. I’m not on 100mcg’s and have been for 6 weeks or so. I started feeling a lot better a few days after I upped my dosage, and I don’t think it was until 2 or 3 weeks ago that I really noticed the side effects.
I know for a fact I am high-dosed right now. I’m experiencing some hyperthyroid symptoms. Such as racing heart, shaking, the insomnia, lack of a menstrual cycle and if I had a scale, I’d probably notice some weight loss.
To be honest, I haven’t experienced a menstrual cycle since probably May. And not due to pregnancy… Trust me, I’ve got a terrible Pee On A Stick syndrome… So, unless I’m produce next to no HcG and having a cryptic pregnancy… I’ve just utterly fucked my cycle up… It’s even more irregular than it ever was since I started having one in 7th or 8th grade… A plus side of this, no terrible, crippling cramps and migraines… However I have a constant bloating going for me.

However, I have noticed quite a bit more depression and lack of motivation towards anything. My joints hurt severely at the end of the day. My fingers, wrists and elbows more so after a day at work, since I’m at a computer all day. My back is not very forgiving either these days, nor my knees.

Listen, I’m not trying to complain or excuse my way out of exercise… But, being an almost 28 year old who can barely walk 3 blocks of flat surface terrain puts a real damper on your mood and motivation.

 

So, I guess I stick with the over-medication symptoms for now, considering I can’t afford to see a doctor and I can’t afford the blood work even if I could afford a doctor. And, I know what you’re thinking… That’s not healthy either… But this is a Catch-22… If I lower the dosage I risk getting sick, swollen and unstable, destroying my liver more, causing irreparable damage to my body and gaining more weight, thus creating a life threatening episode… If I keep it where it is I risk lowering my bone density, screwing up my hormones, blowing out my thyroid and possibly some more life threatening things. And, if I can’t afford a doctor now, how would I be able to afford a doctor if I got so sick I couldn’t work again, how would we afford the roof over our heads and the food we need…. You know???

Overcome

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