Dear Casey:

I still can’t hate you… Maybe it’s because of all the bullshit I put you through… Or maybe it’s because I really did love you…
I’ve had time to think about our relationship that we had. I don’t think it was ever a healthy relationship… When we first got together it was as if you couldn’t dare leave my side… You did try to spend a lot of our time together.
We broke up A LOT in that year of us dating… 2 weeks in to our relationship, while we were both getting rather drunk at my cousins house, you said you loved me… Do you remember me basically blacking out, dropping my drink and then legitimately running a way from you into the dead of night… I found myself in an unlocked camper having a panic attack for a good 45 minutes before I even came back to the house… You called me your tavarish, which you said was Russian for soulmate…
You took a lot of shit from me. I was in the way of talking to a lot of other people… I had refused my medications… We even lived together briefly, before you kicked me out the night your siblings and your self had a party while your parents were gone… You knew I didn’t know anyone that was going to be there and you sat yourself in the back room with one friend of yours and played your ps3 until I came back and turned it off… You threw a controller at my head that night… Then when I called someone to talk about it, you kicked me out because I was talking to another guy….
In that first 6 months I think I did physically cheat on you twice… Once at a friends birthday sleepover party (nothing really happened, just heavy petting between 2 girls) and once with my cousins husband…. I left Ohio and moved in with someone I met on the internet who also didn’t deserve to be treated like trash, and you kept coming around… You drove a wedge between me and this guy… But at the time, I didn’t want to let go of you… You were the only one who ever went through so much shit with me and still wanted to be around… Maybe that should have been a warning sign, but I never never saw it back then. It didn’t seem wrong to me….
We were on again off again for 6 more months after that…
I wasn’t in a good place, mentally, when we met… I was 19, I was in it for myself… I never had anyone to help me and I definitely had no problem screwing people over…
When we got married I was in an even worse place mentally… How is it that we are broken up, I’m dating other people… YOU LEFT THE STATE AND JOINED THE MILITARY (no honorary adventure on your part, you’ve told me several times you only joined because you thought it would help you get over me), but you never gave yourself a chance to get over me… You broke the rules to call me on phones you weren’t allowed to have… You wrote me all the time…
And then, when you came back in to town, I was celebrating my 21st birthday… I was on a 3 day drinking binge… Not anything new for me back then… I spent a lot of my time drinking myself in to a blacked out stupor…
I remember telling you that I didn’t want to lose you as a friend, but the conversation is really blurry… And I don’t really remember who brought up the marriage idea… You say it was me… But I don’t think that’s something I would have done, especially with how terrible I felt about it the next day…
But, it was almost as if you knew that might happen, because you already knew that we would be able to get the marriage license that same day, as well as get married… So, that happened… Your parents weren’t happy about it… Especially your mother, who you told me a few times before assumed I was the kind of girl who was looking to get married to have someone take care of me… Which is funny, because even though you were the one that worked throughout our marriage, I remember being the one that took care of everything, and still being told I wasn’t doing anything right…
Less  than a week or so went by before you had to finish out the rest of your basic training… I sunk in to a terrible depression… I started gaining weight, even though I wasn’t eating. I got kicked out of school and ended up in a mental institution for the 4th time… You were still writing and calling me though… Upset that I got institutionalized… Sending me money… I wasn’t leaving the house and yet, somehow, I managed to meet someone online who I thought, innocently enough, really just wanted to hang out with me…
We were instantly attracted to each other… I felt terrible… He had a pregnant long term girlfriend and he knew you and I were married… I connected with him so much though… As he did with me… To the point he was going to leave his girlfriend and begged that I stay… But, I knew then that was not a good idea, because kids meant a lot to me and he needed to be in his daughters life… So I broke it off with him quick… I stopped answering his calls and texts… ANd I decided it was for the best to tell you what happened…
I’d never had someone so pissed at me… You told me I was selfish because you were over there in basic killing yourself and I couldn’t stay faithful… I tried to explain why I did what I did… He had filled a hole that was created when we got married… I didn’t know if it was because I missed you, or because I lost a piece of me when you and I got married…
You graduated, your family came and picked me up to see it happen… I was very proud of you, but I knew you were still very upset with me… You barely talked to me the whole time until we got to the hotel the night before we left…
You had no problem filling the time sleeping with me… And this was the only way I knew how to fix things back then… I honestly thought for the longest time sex was the only way I could get people to stay with me, to care about me… I had even told you this… Calling myself a c-class girl… You know, the ones you’d fuck but never bring home to your parents… You almost made me believe that wasn’t true…
Anyways, that day was when I got pregnant with Gideon… We didn’t know about it for a while though… And after getting back to your parents house where we lived, you stopped talking to me and we spent a good portion of our time in the same room and ignoring each other…
You said it was because you were still so upset with my betrayal… Yet you still had no problem sleeping with me….
I remember when I found out I was pregnant… I cried… And I don’t know if it was because I had never wanted kids or not, but I know a huge reason for the tears was because I didn’t want to have a child with you…
I spent all of my pregnancy denying it… I hated that I was pregnant with your child… I resented you for staying with me even though you hated me… I hated our child… It wasn’t until I went in to labor that I realized just how much I didn’t care for you…
I remember you had just come to bed… I woke up in desperate need of the bathroom and upon going realized my mucus plug came out… Coming back to bed, my water broke instantaneously… I tried waking you up and the first words out of your mouth were “Don’t even tell me your water just broke….”
I felt terrible…
I went to wake up your mother, and upon getting into the car, you slammed my hand into the door trying to shut it… You didn’t even care…
Your mother spent the entirety of my labor trying to help me get through it… And even though you were the person I wanted at my side during the c-section, you gave 2 shits about anything else afterwards…

I remember you telling me you had gotten a paternity test to make sure Gideon was yours… I don’t know if that’s true or not, and I know you threw it in my face when we were arguing… Just like you loved telling me how terrible of a mother I was when ever you were upset with me…  I don’t know if it’s true, and part of me wishes Gideon wasn’t yours… Because that day in the hospital, I knew how much I loved Gideon and how much I didn’t want him to be anything like you when he grew up…

I knew I wasn’t going to be the best mother in the world… But, at that point in my life I still had a lot of growing up to do… I had a lot of hatred for myself, for our relationship… I had a lot of problems I had to work through… I was drinking heavily for the whole first year of Gideon’s life… I didn’t want to be alone with him because I was afraid of how tired I was. I also still wanted to live my life and spend time with friends… I was very selfish…
I cheated on you after we moved out into our own place too… Like I said, you didn’t deserve the shit I put you through, not all of it anyways… I cheated because you always accused me of doing it… I cheated because you only wanted sex from me most of the time… I cheated because I wanted to feel something from someone…
I made a giant mistake with you, by getting married and having your child… I don’t regret having Gideon… I regret you being his father…
You used to send naked pictures of me to strangers on the internet because you wanted naked pictures of other women… When I found out I was very pissed off, but I wasn’t for long… You told me you’d stop doing it and that you were only sending them in hopes that you would get other photo’s because we weren’t having sex a lot (i wonder why) and you were tired of porn…
We got into a lot of physical fights… You almost broke my knee once and slammed my face in to a walli, and then told a cop that I had some how gotten you into a rear naked choke hold (which I don’t even know how to do to this day) and punched you in your face after brandishing a knife towards you… I’ll cop to the knife brandishing… But if you remember correctly, I didn’t want anything to do with that knife or that fight… That all started because you were too much of a bitch to let me walk outside and cool down… So, when I reported it to the police because the hospital told me I had to after seeing a fractured septum and a torn ligament in my knee, you miraculously had a swollen cheek and I’m the bad guy…
I remember once you had gotten to bed really late because you were spending so much time ignoring me and playing a video game that one morning I thought it was a good idea to try and get you to finally take me to get my license… Since no one would let me drive anymore because I didn’t have one… I told you you had been telling me for months that you’d take me… You got pissed, went downstairs and bitched to your dad about how childish I am and I only ever thought about myself… So, when you came back upstairs and told me very angrily that we had better get going, I didn’t even want to anymore… So, you grabbed me by my feet, and 8 months pregnant, pulled me off the bed onto the floor…
To this day you still deny that ever happened…
I remember one fight we got into after moving closer to where you worked, you had slam choked me to the ground, I bit your chest to try and get you off of me and you punched me in the face 7 times… You told me you punched me to get me to release my teeth, and I don’t even remember biting you for much longer than to get your arm off my neck…
I don’t have time left to get into the rest of my letter for you… And, maybe I should have paced this out… But this isn’t eve half of what went on in our relationship, and the divorce is going to be the hardest and longest part

Your ex wife

 

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