Dear Gideon

Ive always loved you. It might have taken me some time to understand how to be a stable mother, but i always knew how to love you.

I remember new years eve 2012… You and me together the whole night, I wanted nothing else.

I remember taking you to a car seat safety class and having to change your diaper, but the bathroom had no counter or changing table, so I had to put some chairs together and balance diapers, wipes and toys so youd stay distracted… I remember crying because I was stressed and I didnt want you to fall… Never understood why that place didnt have changing tables…

I remember your first dentist appointment…

You were such a good kid, even though you struggled with the cleaning… I bought you french fries afterwards, as promised and took you over to see your grandmother.
There were a lot of firsts I wasnt around for… Like your first swimming experience and your first play date. And even more so now, your fiRst day of pre-k was this time last year, now youre in kindergarten… Your first lost tooth? Your first time using the toilet…

Its been really hard for me doing this. Its made the last week very hard to manage. I have been very depressed and having flashbacks a lot… Ive been struggling with an inner turmoil. I had the expectation that this was going to be easy, that writing it all out and getting my thoughts, feelings, emotions and explaining my side would some how make never seeing you again more bearable… But, its bringing forward a lot of guilt, a lot of trauma, a lot of self-hatred… All things I will need to work through and explain as I go…

Just for tonight, I’d like a chance to sleep without you in dreams laying next to me… Just for tonight, I’d like to wake up tomorrow with out tears in my eyes and the crushing depression that is making my every day living very difficult…

I’m working on this healing thing… And im working even harder in life so that some day I have the ability to see you again… I graduated college, got a good job and am managing my health… 

I love you, a piece of me is missing without you, and I dont know if I’ll ever be whole again, but I’m working on it.
Your mother

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