I’m having a hard time today.
Seems that starting all of this is making it difficult for me not to think about you. About what I’m missing out on. Knowing you’re starting Kindergarten this year. Knowing you’re turning 6. Counting down the days to my favorite holiday, Halloween, to celebrate with you.
I know that thinking about you, forcing myself to think through everything and get it all out there is what’s going to help me heal. But, I just hate dealing with this terrible, aching sadness that goes a long with it.
I’ve been wanting to have another child, but I feel so guilty even thinking about it… Knowing you’re out there, whether you’re thinking about me or have completely forgotten. I can’t wrap my head around what I would even say to you if you decided to contact me again in the future and here I am with another child… The child I stayed with and raised and experienced life with me… I can’t get past the fact that it’s selfish of me to want another kid when I have you… Even though I don’t really have you…
And this makes me think that maybe the only reason I want another child is to relive everything I had with you… And how fair is that to another child, to put that on them… They can’t be you, they can’t surmount to you and your personality. They will never be like you….
Rachel says that maybe having a child is a blessing in sorts. Even though she’s totally against me getting pregnant and having kids. She told me the other day that maybe this will help me heal, as well… Maybe another child will fill the hole I have in me from losing you….
I have been wondering for a while now if I am pregnant. I would embrace it… But, I can’t imagine actually having a child again… I keep coming back to comparing them to you… And that’s not fair to anyone involved… Especially that child…
Today has been a struggle to make it through the silence without crying. Sitting at work, I’m still on the verge. But, I write this because I really can’t see myself talking to anyone about it.
All’s I know is that I miss you, and as much as I’d love to have another child… I see it only as a replacement. A body to fill the void in my heart and soul… This is why I need this journey…..