I have found myself thinking of the ways to start this journey. Where exactly should I begin in my explanation of how I walked out of your life.
I used to feel a good place to start was the very beginning, but I don’t know if there’s any point in going back that far.
So, I’ve been sitting here all day going back and forth between how I should break this down. I seemed to have all these ideas laid out magically before me last night when I decided to start this, yet now that I have had a chance to sleep and think, all my ideas just don’t make any sense anymore.
I guess, first I’d like to start out with saying sorry. Sorry I felt I was never going to be good enough. Sorry for leaving at a sensitive time for you and sorry for it seeming like I never looked back.
I’d like to explain, and this might not mean anything to you, that the choice I made was in your best interest. Your father and I were having issues with each other long past our divorce and finding of other spouses. When it became apparent to me that you were reacting very poorly to the stress of coping with us not being together, Jeanette being there with her son (whom you were very proud of and were so happy to be a big brother) and, honestly, many other things. I couldn’t bear to put you through that anymore. You were becoming developmentally unstable, they were trying to get you into pre-k, you were potty training. You regressed quite a bit the more I tried to be apart of your life. It was hard for me to hear you say I was the bad mom and Jeanette was your new mom. It was terrifying knowing that you probably hated me on some deeper level.
I have been called selfish and a bad mother for just leaving. I have been calling worthless and negligent for leaving you behind. I’ve been judged silently and mocked audibly. But no one has ever bothered to understand for the most part.
Jeanette had attempted to set things up again, but I think your father and the rest of the family kind of made it pretty hard for her to really do anything. And I don’t fault her for that. Jeanette is a good woman, probably an amazing mother, way better than I was.
I know you can’t possibly remember much of your early childhood (1yr to about 4 years). The brain is not developed enough at that age to store the memories the way you have them now. But, I wish there was some way to get you to remember our bond. It holds me paralyzed every day I think of it. There was a time when you were first born that I didn’t think I had the instincts to be a mother, let alone love you and you love me back. I was unable to make real connections with anyone. I had a really hard time with understanding emotions and relating to anyone else. You made me an entirely different person. However, that is something we can get into in a different letter.
The world is full of deeper, hidden meanings. And, I hope that whatever you’ve learned growing up the biggest one was to question everything and not stop thirsting for knowledge.